


the only thing that matters is our heartbeats goin' strong

by ilovepippasoo, orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander Hamilton is a sad bean, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Cutting, Dialogue Heavy, Established Relationship, F/M, Hospitals, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-27
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-09-02 12:28:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8667724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilovepippasoo/pseuds/ilovepippasoo, https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Alexander Hamilton has made some questionable decisions in his life. This one--Well, it might just tear his life apart.





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> This was based on an RP on Instagram that @thcschuylersisters and I did! 
> 
> The title of this fic is from the song Take Me Home by Pentatonix (because I am complete trash--)

Alexander had an awful day. John was mad at him for some reason, and had been ignoring him. Thomas had been bothering him endlessly, and it certainly didn't help when it started storming. Alex had started to cry and Thomas kept teasing him about it. He stormed into his and Eliza's house, noticing that his girlfriend still wasn't home. That was a good thing, as far as Alexander was concerned. It gave him time to do things while he was alone. He quickly rushed into the bathroom, standing on his tiptoes to grab a box that laid utop the medicine cabinet. The box was locked and required a key to open it. Alexander pulled the key out of his back pocket, opening the small box to reveal a few sharp razor blades. He quickly grabbed one, his hand shaking. He pulled up his sleeves, revealing lines in different shades of red and pink. Most of his scars were beginning to fade, but others were rather recent. He winced slightly as he pressed the razor into his skin, cutting a line across his wrist. He repeated this process a few times on each arm before hearing the front door swing open, meaning Eliza was gone. He quickly locked the box, putting it away. He pulled his sleeve back down, not noticing as he dropped the bloody razor to the ground. He rushed out of the bathroom, greeting Eliza with a smile. 

"Hi babe! How was your day?" Eliza grinned as she entered the house, closing the door behind her. She worked at the local bakery, and normally came home with flour in random places. She dusted some off of her hands as she hung up her jacket. 

"It was good," Alex replied convincingly, tugging at the sleeves of his dark green hoodie. "At least, as good as a day working at a boring office can be," he said, rolling his eyes and smiling. "It was pretty tiring though...I could really use some cuddles," he suggested, lightly nudging Eliza with his shoulder. 

"Of course," Eliza replied and kissed his cheek. "Let me run a load of laundry first, though. Do you have any dinner requests, by the way?" 

"Not really," Alex said, shaking his head and kissing Eliza's cheek back. "Any food you make is great," he said sweetly, giggling softly. 

"Awe, you make me blush." Eliza smiled at him and headed to the bathroom to get the laundry hamper. "Could you take off that hoodie? I haven't washed it in weeks." 

"Can I take if off later? I'm really cold," Alex said, quickly coming up with an excuse, watching Eliza as she walked towards the bathroom. 

"Use a blanket, hun. That thing is damn dirty," Eliza replied as she opened the bathroom door. 

"But this hoodie is warmer than a blanket, and I like it!" Alex whined, feigning innocence in his voice to prevent Eliza from getting suspicious. He sat down on the couch, waiting for her to come back from the bathroom. 

Eliza stepped into the bathroom and reached for the laundry basket when something lying on the floor caught her eye. A bloody razor. She felt her breath hitch in her throat. "A-Alex? What is this?" She called out. 

"What is what, baby?" Alex asked, standing up and walking into the bathroom. His eyes darted to the spot on the floor that Eliza was staring at. He felt his heart sink into his stomach when he saw the razor. "I—Well, it probably fell out of the cabinet earlier when I was looking for shaving cream. No big deal," he said, stumbling over his words as he tried to think of an excuse. His eyes darted back and forth between Eliza and the razor as she tugged his sleeves down, shifting his feet nervously. 

"W-why is it bloody?" Eliza raised her eyes to meet his, her own quickly filling with tears. "Alexander, what are you doing to yourself?" 

"I'm not doing anything," Alex said, looking away from Eliza and backing away from her slightly, feeling his eyes start to tear up as well. "I accidentally cut myself shaving," he lied with a shrug, though the lie didn't sound convincing anymore. 

"Take off the sweatshirt, please," Eliza replied, ignoring what he'd said. 

"No," Alex argued, wrapping his arms around himself to try and prevent Eliza from pulling his hoodie off. 

"Alexander!" Eliza said sharply. "I said please," she added, her tone softening as she hastily wiped her eyes. 

"No, Eliza," Alex said, his breathing shaky and uneven as tears streamed down his face. 

"D-do you remember what we talked about at the beginning of this relationship? N-no secrets," Eliza said, gripping the edge of the sink. "Please." 

Alexander sighed, his hands shaking as he pulled off the hoodie, revealing a t-shirt that completely exposed his arms. He threw the hoodie to the ground, quickly crossing his arms over his chest in an attempt to hide the scars. "There, it's off," he said softly, looking at the ground to avoid eye contact with Eliza. 

"Uncross your arms." Eliza stepped towards him, holding out her hands for his. Alexander shook his head, holding himself tighter; hoping that Eliza wouldn't try and uncross them. 

"No, 'Liza, I-I'm fine..." 

"No you're not!" Eliza said loudly, tears flowing non-stop down her face. "You are not fine! Don't lie to me!" 

Alexander sighed in defeat, shaking as he uncrossed his arms, letting his hands fall into Eliza's. He looked away from her and blinked back more tears as she examined the scars. Eliza's hands were shaking as she gingerly ran her fingers over the old scars. "H-how could you do this to yourself? W-why? Why didn't you talk to me?" 

Alexander winced slightly as Eliza's fingers began to cross over newer scars. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. He looked into Eliza's eyes, choking back a sob before looking down at his wrists. "T-talk to me, please, I need-- answers. I need a-an explanation. I d-don't...under-s-stand," she whispered, pausing every few words to inhale and try to steady her breathing. 

"I-I...don't know. I just need to feel something," Alex said, trying to think properly. "I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm so sorry," Alex said, letting out a small sob as he continued to shake. Eliza rand a hand through his hair, shushing him. 

"There's nothing wrong with you," she assured him. "What c-caused this? What made you start?" 

"I'm not sure," Alexander admitted, shrugging lightly. "I just didn't...feel...like I was good enough and I needed s-some way to get my mind off of it," Alex said, leaning his head on Eliza's shoulder. "And then—I just, I, couldn't stop, it became a bad h-habit..." 

"I wish y-you'd come to me," Eliza said softly. "I would've helped you. And y-you've always been good enough. More than good enough..." 

"I know. I'm sorry," Alex replied, sniffling and wiping his eyes. "I should've told you...I—" Alexander trailed off his sentence, unsure of what to say. "I'm really, really sorry." 

"No, I'm sorry," Eliza said suddenly. "I shouldn't be blaming it on you. I don't know who to blame it on besides myself..." 

"No! No, baby, don't blame yourself," Alex said, quickly taking Eliza's hands in his. "Why would you, dear? It's not your fault," Alex asked softly, kissing her forehead. 

"You didn't feel like you could come to me and tell me what was going on. I fucked up." Eliza shook her head and sighed. 

"I—I didn't know how to tell you. It's my fault...my fault," Alex said, pulling Eliza into a tight hug. 

"I'm sorry," Eliza mumbled again. "I just feel guilty. You've been—" Eliza paused and cringed at the words. "...hurting yourself, and I couldn't help you." 

"Don't feel that way," Alex murmured in reply. Alex looked down at his wrists and sighed. "Can we please talk about this later...?"

Eliza hesitated before she replied. "No, not really. Because then you'll keep pushing it off." 

"Okay, well—" Alex paused for a moment. "Can we at least sit down? And can I put a new sweater on? I just feel...uncomfortable without the sleeves," Alex admitted, shrugging lightly. Eliza nodded in reply. 

"Yeah, okay. I'll, uh, go make hot chocolate." She picked up the razor, went into the kitchen and immediately threw it into the trash can. As she prepared the hot chocolate, she had only one thought: 

She and Alexander were going to have a lot to discuss tonight.


	2. Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot of explaining...and sleepy Eliza. That's it.

Alexander had quickly rushed into their bedroom, throwing on a blue sweater and sighing quietly to himself. He walked out into the kitchen and watched as Eliza threw away the razor, secretly thankful that he had more in the box. He sat down on the couch, waiting silently as Eliza made the hot chocolate. He didn't want to discuss this at all, but he knew Eliza would make him. Eliza soon returned to the couch with two mugs, handing one to Alex and sitting down beside him. 

"Have you ever done this before?" 

Well, it seemed Eliza wasn't playing around. "What do you mean by 'before'?" Alex asked, taking a sip of the warm drink and humming softly. 

"Like...when you were younger," she explained quietly. 

"No, I haven't," Alex replied with a shrug. 

"Ok, uh, when did this all start, then?" Eliza asked hesitantly. 

"I, uhm," Alex hesitated, his voice becoming soft and almost inaudible. "A few months ago..." 

"Does anyone else know about it?" She lowered her voice as it cracked a little bit. Alexander shook his head, leaning against Eliza and sipping the hot chocolate again, sighing audibly. 

"When were you doing it? Like, when I wasn't home?" Eliza asked. Alexander nodded in reply, biting his lip. 

"And when you were sleeping...." He admitted quietly. 

"And were you doing anything else...?" Eliza paused before continuing her question. "Like, taking pills or something?" Alexander shook his head, feeling tears start to form in his eyes as he looked up at Eliza. 

"This is a weird question..." Eliza said, sniffling and looking down at Alex. "But how many did you normally do at a time?" 

"I don't know," Alex replied with a shrug, furrowing his eyebrows as he thought about it for a moment. "Sometimes only a few. Other times it was a lot..." 

"And what affected that? Like, what made you want to do it more?" Eliza asked, biting her lip. 

"God, you sound like a psychologist," Alex said, managing a breathy laugh. "Anyway, just like, when I felt really bad and..." Alex trailed off, letting tears fall down his face. 

"Be honest. Did anything I did ever make you want to?" Eliza pressed on. 

"No, no, baby," Alex replied, quickly sitting up and looking at Eliza with concern. "You're too good to me. You'd never make me want to do that," he said, gently kissing Eliza's cheek. 

"That's good." Eliza let out a sigh of relief. "I just have one more question." 

"Go ahead," Alex said softly, thankful that this conversation was almost over. He didn't want to talk about this any more than they already had. 

"Can you promise me you'll never do it again?" Eliza didn't meet his eyes. "I know it's hard, and it takes a while, b-but we can get you, a, uh, a therapist, or something." Alexander smiled softly, taking Eliza's hand and squeezing it. 

"I promise, love," he said quietly, though he knew it was a lie. He definitely knew he wasn't going to see any therapist, but that would be a conversation for another day. Eliza smiled, feeling even more relieved. 

"Thanks. I love you," she said quietly. 

"I love you, too," Alex replied, kissing Eliza's cheek and smiling shyly. 

"What do you wanna do now? It can be whatever you want," Eliza offered. 

"Just wanna cuddle with you for a while," Alex replied, leaning closer to her. "And we could watch a movie if you want..." 

Eliza smiled down at him. "That sounds nice. What movie? 

"Rent?" Alex suggested immediately, looking at Eliza with a grin. 

"Again?" Eliza asked, faking a groan. "Yeah, of course. Nerd." Alexander laughed light-heartedly, cuddling closer to Eliza. He grabbed the remote, turning on the TV and playing the movie. 

"I bet you're gonna fall asleep halfway through the movie. You always do," Alex joked, kissing Eliza's cheek and smiling. 

"I've never actually seen the whole movie," Eliza said with a giggle. "You can wake me up if I fall asleep again." 

"Okay, I will," Alex replied, copying her giggle and kissing her again. He turned his head towards the TV, humming softly as the movie started. 

As expected, Eliza's eyelids were already drooping half an hour in. "Jesus, how do you stay awake the whole time?" 

"It's a really good movie," Alex mumbled in reply, too interested in the movie to pay full attention to Eliza. 

"What time is it?" Eliza asked slowly trying to stay awake. Alexander grabbed his phone out of his pocket, checking the time. 

"Like, 9:30. If you wanna go to sleep now, we can," Alex replied. "I'm kinda tired, too." 

"Only if you...want to." Eliza shifted herself upwards to keep herself awake. 

"Let's go to bed, baby girl," Alex said, sitting up as he noticed how sleepy Eliza was. "We both really need to rest..." 

"M'kay, sleep sounds nice," Eliza mumbled, rubbing her eyes. Alexander smiled, standing up from the couch and reaching his hand out to Eliza. 

"Come on love. You know I'm too scrawny to carry you, and we're not sleeping on the couch," he said with a chuckle. Eliza stood up and drowsily walked towards the bedroom. 

"It feels like it's....eleven o'clock," she muttered. 

"You're just really tired," Alex said, climbing into their bed and pulling Eliza with him. "Go to sleep, dear. I love you," Alex said, kissing Eliza and smiling. 

"You go to sleep," she said tiredly, curling up again Alex's side and closing her eyes. 

"I will," Alex replied, wrapping an arm around her. "Good night." 

Eliza sniffled softly and sighed. "G'night."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments & kudos are appreciated!


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a.ham fuccs up

Alexander layed in bed for a while, waiting to hear the soft sound of Eliza snoring. When he was sure she was asleep, he carefully untangled himself from her grasp. He silently walked into the bathroom, carefully closing the door behind him. He quickly grabbed the box, unlocking it and pulling out one of the spare razors. He blinked back tears, wondering how he could've been so stupid. He should've been more careful, but now Eliza knew his secret. He felt like such an idiot. A failure. Eliza probably thought he was crazy! He sighed to himself, pulling up his sleeves and pressing the blade into his skin. He kept doing it on both of his arms, not satisfied until he could watch the blood drip down his arms and into the sink. He felt tears falling from his eyes, but at this point he didn't even care. He placed the razor back in the box, feeling a bit of regret as he locked the box and tucked it away. He had already broken his promise, but it was a lie anyway—so why did it matter? He sighed to himself, dropping to the floor and pressing his back against the wall, crying quietly and hugging himself tightly, not caring a bit as the blood from his wrists dripped onto his clothes. 

Eliza heard some noises from the bathroom, and stirred in the bed. "Alex...?" She called out sleepily, only half-awake. Alexander heard Eliza's voice call out to him, but he didn't reply. He quickly stood up, running over to the door and locking it so Eliza couldn't get in. Eliza heard the click of the lock and bolted up. She climbed out of bed, rushing to the bathroom and starting to knock on the door. "Alex? Please open the door." 

Again, Alexander didn't reply. He was too afraid to let Eliza see him like this. He sniffled softly, moving as far away from the door as he possibly could. 

"Alex!" Eliza began to knock faster, her heart rate increasing. "Please! Open the door!" 

Alexander looked up at the door, cringing as the knocking got louder. He sighed quietly, starting to shake as he felt himself become light-headed due to the loss of blood. 

"Alexander!" Eliza raised her voice. She was extremely nervous now, and was ready to something extreme. What if he'd passed out or something? "Open up! I'm about to kick the down the damn door!"   
Alexander flinched, backing into the far corner of the bathroom. He couldn't open the door, there's no way he would let Eliza see him this way. She would hate him, leave him, and probably think he was insane. God, he really fucked up this time. He hugged himself even tighter, wincing at the stinging feeling in his arms. Eliza stopped knocking, almost instantly bursting into tears. She pressed her hands and forehead against the door. 

"J-just say something, p-please!" 

Alexander heard Eliza and felt his heart break. He tried to speak, but found himself to weak to say anything. He let out a shaky breath, resting his head against his knees. 

"Anything! J-just say something! I n-need to know if y-you're alive!" Eliza tugged on the doorknob, her vision blinded by tears. "Or I'll kick the fucking door down!" 

Alexander whimpered softly, trying to stand up to approach the door. He was able to stand for a moment, his legs shaky. He quickly lost balance, toppling back to the floor and letting tears fall down his face, feeling entirely defenseless. 

"A-Alex?" Eliza pressed her ear to the door upon hearing the thud. "C-can you unlock the d-door?" Alexander sighed, trying to steady his breathing. 

"C-can't," he replied simply, his voice weak and scratchy. He couldn't muster the strength say anything else, so he prayed that Eliza heard him. 

"Y-you can't?" Eliza repeated. She stepped back and then slammed herself into the door, grimacing as she heard a crack. But one of the hinges had broken. She kicked the bottom, near the doorknob, and then slammed herself into it again. "H-hold on, okay, baby?" Alexander whimpered again, trying to make himself as small as possible to avoid getting hit by the door. Eliza hit the door one last time, and it swung open, cracked in several places. She looked at Alex on the floor, and noticing the pooling blood. 

"Oh G-God! Alex!" She covered her mouth with her shaking hand. "W-what did you do?" Alexander opened his mouth, but no words came out. He stretched his arms out to Eliza, the sleeves of his blue sweater now soaked in blood. He looked up at her with tearful eyes, leaning back against the wall. 

"H-help," he managed to choke out, his voice barely audible. Eliza tried to pull him up, but her arms were shaking too much. 

"I-I'm gonna take you to the h-hospital, okay? C-can you try to s-stand? I'll h-help you." Eliza stood up a little straighter, trying to calm down a bit. Alexander grabbed onto Eliza's arm with one hand, gripping the sink with his other hand. He managed to stand for a moment, but quickly fell into Eliza's arms, shaking his head and sobbing loudly. 

"Can't, can't," he gasped out again, dropping down to the floor and out of Eliza's grasp. Eliza tried in vain to lift him up again, but she couldn’t. 

"I'm—gonna call an ambulance." She stumbled out of the bathroom and grabbed their home phone, punching in 9-1-1. She anxiously explained what happened and quickly rushed back to the bathroom. 

"T-they're coming, okay? You're gonna be a-alright." 

Alexander nodded shakily, stretching his arms out towards Eliza again. "Hold—" he started, gasping and letting out another sob. "H-hold me," he said, his voice cracking as he tried to keep his head up. "Please." 

Eliza nodded, kneeling down next to him and wrapping her trembling arms around him, not caring that blood began to stain her clothes. "G-gonna be alright," she repeated, more to herself than to him.   
Alexander nodded again, slipping in and out of consciousness as Eliza held him. He tried his best to stay awake, but his breathing eventually slowed down and he passed out in Eliza's arms, his tight grip on her hands loosening as he drifted off; welcoming whatever fate would await him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated!!


	4. Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hospital talk n' stuff. Angst.

When Alexander woke up again, he was in a hospital room, a few doctors standing in the corner and talking. For a moment, Alex forgot what happened, until he looked down at his arms. The sleeves of his sweater were pushed up to his shoulders, the entire piece of fabric stained with spots of blood. His wrists were bandaged tightly, spots of red beginning to show through the gauze. Eliza was going to be so mad at him... 

As he thought of Eliza, he tilted his head up and looked around the room. Eliza was nowhere to be seen. Where could she be? She was probably too happy to deal with this—she didn't need Alex weighing her down. He sighed softly wondering where she could be. He hoped that she would come soon, because he felt practically worthless without her. 

Outside, it was pouring rain, and water was pounding on the windshield of Eliza's car. Eliza hadn't been to the hospital in a while, but she was pretty sure the drive wasn't supposed to take this long. Yet somehow it felt like an eternity. When she finally arrived at the hospital, the only parking spot was far from the entrance, resulting in Eliza having to dash through the rain. Dripping wet, she asked the receptionist where Alexander was. She was directed to a waiting room, where she still had to wait for a few hours until a doctor came to get her. He led her to Alex's room, and she carefully opened the door, pushing her sopping hair out of her face. There were still bloodstains on her clothes, but nobody had questioned it. 

"Alex?" 

Alexander looked over to the door and managed a crooked smile, through his eyes were full of sadness. "H-hey," he said softly, his voice still scratchy and weak. 

"How do you feel?" Eliza asked as she tentatively approached him. 

"Mmm, sleepy," Alex replied, blinking a few times to try and stay awake. 

"Did they give you anything?" Eliza asked, grabbing a hair tie from her wrist and pulling her wet hair back into a ponytail, trying to keep it out of her face. 

"I dunno, I woke up, like, not that long ago," Alex replied with a hazy chuckle. "They probably gave me painkillers or somethin'…" 

"Are you in any pain?" Eliza asked, shifting her weight from foot to foot. 

"Nope, but I probably will be when the medicine wears off," Alex answered with a light shrug. He looked over at the chair next to him. "You should sit down, baby. You look tired." Eliza quietly complied and sat in the chair. It was hard and uncomfortable, but she was in no place to complain. 

"Do you need anything?" She asked after a moment of silence. 

"Not really," Alex answered with a shrug. He stretched out his hand for Eliza to hold. "Just want you to stay with me..." 

"Are you sure?" Eliza took his hand and held it between hers. "I can get you anything you want." 

"I'm sure," Alex replied, smiling at her. "Do you know when we can go home...?" 

"They said tomorrow, but I have to keep a really close eye on you," Eliza replied, sighing and looking over at Alex. "I really don't want to bring it up again, but...why did you do it after we talked?" 

Alexander sighed, looking away from Eliza. "I just...felt...really bad. I was mad at myself for..." Alexander bit his lip, not wanting to finish his sentence. "I was mad at myself for letting you find out about this..." 

Eliza let go of his hand and covered her eyes as tears started to build in her eyes again. "Were you ever planning on telling me?" 

Alexander sighed again, turning to look at her again. "I—I don't know. I was scared," Alex said, looking down at his arms. "I'm so sorry, Eliza..." 

"It's okay." Eliza didn't move her hands from her eyes. Eventually, she took a deep breath and wiped at her eyes. "I'm just being a crybaby. Whoo. Okay. Sorry. If anyone was the right to be upset, it's you." 

"Baby girl, you're allowed to be upset," Alexander said, trying to sit up a little more, wincing as he shifted his arms a bit too much. "I—It wasn't right to hide this from you. I was just afraid you'd be mad at me..." 

"H-how could I be mad at you?" Eliza looked down at him. "Did you really think I would be?" She asked, her voice lowering to a whisper. 

"Y-yeah," Alex said with a shrug, his voice cracking as he blinked back tears. "P-please don't hate me for this..." 

"I could never hate you!" Eliza cried. "I...thought you knew that. I'm sorry I didn't make it clear." 

"Please don't be sorry," Alex said, sniffling softly. "I—you know I didn't mean it for it to be this bad," he murmured, looking down at his wrists. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he murmured repeatedly, his shoulders shaking as he started to cry. 

"Oh God, please don't cry," Eliza said, frantically trying to wipe her own tears away. "Don't be sorry." 

Alexander tried to wipe his eyes, wincing as he moved his arms again. "I don't wanna be here," Alex said between sobs. "Wanna...go home," he said, his voice cracking. 

"I know, baby," Eliza choked out. "I-I know you do." Alexander sighed heavily, looking over at Eliza and stretching his arms out for a hug, unable to think of anything to say as he sniffled again. Eliza got up from her chair and half-leaned on the bed to hug him. He smelled like...hospital, but well, Eliza didn't care. She pulled away shortly after the hug began. 

"God, I'm still covered in blood. I should shower," she said, looking down at her shirt in disgust. 

"I totally would shower, but I'm kinda...stuck here," Alex said, cringing at his grossly bloody sweater. "I kinda...ruined this..." Eliza immediately felt guilty and immediately and sunk back in her chair. She could shower, but he couldn't. 

"It's okay. You have more clothes," she replied softly. 

"It know, but I liked this one," Alex replied with a shrug. "You can shower if you want, I don't mind..." 

 

"No, it's okay," Eliza said quickly. "And I can always buy you a new sweater."   
"Are you sure? Alex asked, looking up at Eliza. "And uh, could you take off my shirt, please? It's kind of...uncomfortable." Eliza stood up and carefully pulled off his sweater, discarding it in the trash can at the front of the room. 

"Better?" She asked. Alex nodded, smiling at Eliza. He wanted to kiss her, but couldn't move without feeling his head start to hurt.   
"Thank you, baby," he replied tiredly. 

"Are you sure you don't want anything? Like, water or food?" Eliza asked worriedly. 

"I'm sure," Alex said, smiling at Eliza reassuringly. "I honestly don't think I could eat anything without throwing up." 

"You have to eat eventually," Eliza replied hesitantly. "You sure you don't want water? I could g-get you tea or, something." 

"I'm fine. I just don't feel well right now," Alex replied with a sigh, shaking his head. 

"Alright. Sorry," Eliza said, sitting back down. "I didn't mean to be, uh, pushy or anything." 

"You aren't being pushy. No need to apologize," Alex replied sweetly, reaching his arm out to take her hand. Eliza took his hand and leaned against the bed, pressing her forehead against the edge of it. She sniffed and squeezed his hand tightly. Alex squeezed her hand back, sighing softly. 

"I'm really sorry," Alex said again, trying not to cry any more than he already had. 

"Don't be sorry," she mumbled in reply. "We have to move past this damn apology stage." 

"Okay," Alex murmured. He sighed, knowing he wouldn't stop feeling sorry about this. 

"So...what do you wanna talk about?" Eliza asked from her slightly awkward position. 

"I don't really know," Alex said, shrugging and biting his lip. "Did you tell anyone that I'm here?" 

"No, not yet. Do you...want me to?" Eliza asked hesitantly. 

"Not really," Alex replied. "I can go home tomorrow anyways, right? No one else really needs to know..." He said softly. 

"I'm sure they wouldn't judge you for it. They are your friends, right?" Eliza sat up and ran her hands over her face. 

"Yeah, I guess," Alex said, cringing as he remembered that John has been ignoring him. He shrugged, looking over at Eliza. 

"Has something been going on with them?" Eliza questioned, noticing his cringe. 

"Nope," Alex lied in response, smiling at Eliza. 

"Alright, You don't have to go in tomorrow, and you can have the weekend. But when you go back, do you want me to go with you, or something? In case you don't feel comfortable." 

"No, I'll be fine," Alex said reassuringly. "I can handle them on my own." 

"Okay," Eliza looked at him uneasily. "You're sure?" 

"I'm sure," Alex replied a little coldly, sighing again. 

"Sorry," Eliza said quickly, looking at the floor. 

"You don't have to apologize," Alex said, his tone softening. "You were just trying to help, it's okay." 

"I'm being weird," Eliza said with a sigh. "I just have to calm down. I'm kind of nervous right now." 

"Why are you nervous?" Alex asked, raising an eyebrow at her. 

"No reason. Just you know, the obvious," Eliza said quickly. She threw a glance at the humming hospital machines. 

"Oh, yeah," Alex said quietly, looking away from Eliza and sighing. 

"It's getting late. Are you tired?" Eliza asked, changing the subject. 

"Yea, kind of. Are you?" Alex asked, looking back at Eliza. 

"No, I'm okay. You can sleep if you want. I'll be here." Eliza cracked a small smile. 

"Okay," Alex said, laying his head down on the pillow. It wasn't comfortable, but he didn't have any other options. "I love you," he said softly, gazing at Eliza. 

"Love you too." Eliza turned off the light so only the small lamp next to the bed was lighting the room. "Go to sleep." 

"Okay, g'night," Alex said, closing his eyes and smiling as he fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! If you liked this, please leave a comment and/or kudos!


End file.
